"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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