i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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