I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
