Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
