I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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