She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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