I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
