I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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