I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
