I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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