If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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