Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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