I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
