I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
