not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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