I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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