someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
