my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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