Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
