i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
