I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
