I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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