He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
why do cheetos always look like penises
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
