Screwed.edu
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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