Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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