I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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