Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
