; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
