if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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