her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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