I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
