new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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