I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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