I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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