I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
