Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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