i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Randomize
