I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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