She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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