My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
