I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
