I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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