I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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