Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
