I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
