It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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