I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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