this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
