Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
