I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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