he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
