Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
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